When this piece goes live, I am sitting on a bus from Johannesburg to Maputo, the capital of Mozambique. If I’m honest, I’m a little afraid.
I keep telling myself that things will be OK but honestly, I have no idea what to anticipate.
I woke up to a bizarre message a week and a half ago, “I can’t go with you”, it stated, “A woman came floating out of nowhere and took my heart. »
It wasn’t a major surprise. J and I had always had one of those ties that you could sense deep inside. He was always talking about “energy” and I couldn’t dispute — that was precisely how he felt. There was a magnetic draw that I resisted hard at first but finally couldn’t ignore. I didn’t want another unrealistic relationship, but I believed this time I could just enjoy the moment, so I did.
I left saying I’d leave it be where it was, pleasant and sweet, but too short.
And we were both pretty horrible at leaving him where he was. We kept in touch. There were moments when I attempted to walk away but he drew me back inside. I simply told myself to be casual about it. To see where it may go, whether it was someplace or nowhere.
J has always raved about the beauty of Mozambique – the deep blue ocean, the magnificent countryside and the calm environment. Numerous South Africans I met with mirrored his comments. They all took the same tone of voice, stars in their eyes, and their words grew longer when they talked about her beauty.
“Moooozambique! they exclaimed, thrilled.
After months of back and forth, I felt I had to give it a try – not J, necessarily, but the place and the trip. Whatever happened or not with us was just a bonus if not a big question mark.
He promised that we would go together no matter what. It seemed perfect.
Except I started to feel a disconnect in the days leading up to his message. It is as if the wavelengths, without any sign of weakening or progressive reduction, stopped abruptly. I was ready for the news to come, I could feel it. This is the story of my life, after all.
How could I be upset at him? We hadn’t seen each other in months, and it’s not like I liked the guy. Between me and someone who is there, standing in front of him, it’s not a true contest. I would have made the same option.
He went on to claim that he had suffered with guilt for the whole two weeks he had known her (love? Soon? Hm, Alright), and offered that the three of us could go! Why not, right? Three peas in a pod.
I didn’t have to think about it for very long. I told him I wished him success, but three is a crowd, and I would go alone.
Nevertheless, I only went back to Africa for me.
Once the disappointment dissipated over the following ten hours, amazed that that was all it took, an undesirable sense began to sneak in and replace it: terror.
J is a 6’4 South African who resided in Mozambique. I was glad to follow. I enjoyed the thought of traveling with someone else for once, especially someone I got along with so readily and who knew the area extremely well. We had such fantastic ideas and I was quite psyched.
But these are gone with the wind now.
Now I have to start from scratch.
This is not a pity party. There are worse things in life than having to travel alone to a lovely destination, I know.
It’s more of an admission: I too get scared before going solo. In fact, I get worried practically every time.
Southeast Asia was hardly undiscovered terrain and Europe is scarcely daunting. I knew numerous ladies who had gone to these places alone. I couldn’t really think of everywhere, save for a few particular spots, I had visited in the past that hadn’t been walked by someone I knew or at least knew.
Therefore, I shall not hesitate and cancel my plans. Not because of a guy. Definitely not. I remarked in my newsletters lately that I haven’t done anything that’s made me feel badass lately, and maybe that’s just what the doctor ordered. Maybe that’s precisely what I need to do to feel motivated and challenged again.
I couldn’t discover much written by a solitary female traveler who traveled to Mozambique.
Well I think it’s about time someone went ahead and wrote something.
I think someone is me.
Wish me good luck.
